Job, in all his suffering, discusses with his friends his blamelessness and seeks their counsel as to why the Lord has afflicted him. They agree that he, Job, has done nothing to deserve such misfortune.
In deep despair, Job raises his voice to the heavens, "Why, oh Lord of Heaven and Earth, why?"
The sky darkens, the clouds boil, lightning and thunder crash all about Job. A mighty voice bellows out of the storm, "BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
In the middle of a forest, a tourist was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean, hungry bear. He turned and started to run as fast as he could. He ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff and has no escape. He fell on his knees, opened his arms to heaven and began to pray, "God, please give this bear some religion!"
Suddenly, there was mighty thunder and lightning and the skies parted and the bear stopped just a feet short of the tourist, and it too fell to its knees and began to pray.
"Dear God" said the bear "I give thee thanks for what I am about to receive..."
A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER.
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day.
Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole, which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the ball for a birdie.
God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods.
About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball. Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for a few seconds and then finally falls in.
Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to **** around, or are you going to play golf?"
Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times."
"Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times.
"Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be driving the red Corvette.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be driving that gold Rolls Royce."
Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter? You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity."
Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the skateboard? That's my wife!"
After being killed in a tragic auto accident, Fathers Tom and Mike were met at Heaven's gate by St. Peter. St. Peter walked up to them and said, "Hello, fathers. Since both of you have been such devoted servants, for a short time only, you may return to Earth in any form of your choosing.
St Peter turned to Father Tom and asked, "What form would you like, Father Tom?"
"I have always wanted to soar like an eagle above the mountains in the bright sunlight," replied Father Tom.
"It is done," said St Peter, and Father Tom found himself soaring above the mountains.
St. Peter then turned to Father Mike and asked, "What would you like to return as, Father Mike?"
Father Mike hesitated for a moment and then, looking rather embarrassed, replied, "Well, I'd like to return as a stud."
"Are you sure?" asked St. Peter?
"Yes, sir, I am," Mike said.
"Then it is done," stated St. Peter, and Father Mike spent the winter in Minneapolis in a snow tire.
Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup.
Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrieves his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond.
"Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter.
"No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!"
This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrieve is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"
"No," replies St. Peter. "Tiger Woods."
Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriarch Abraham stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you."
Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God," and stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.
"Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously, upraised palm. "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove that you are worthy of the honor."
"But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer.
"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"
Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can! I remember going to the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face.
"Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed. I must agree that that was an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this happen?"
"Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "right before you welcomed me."
Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?"
"Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a hole in the end of each and everyone of them."
Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted.
Jesus is hanging on the cross. As he is hanging, he yells, "John, John, come here, quick!"
John hears the voice of his master and came running up to the Lord. As he gets there the guards catch him, cut off his legs, and through him back in the crowd.
Jesus yells again, "John, John, come here quickly, quickly!"
So John, crawling on his hands alone, approaches the cross. The guards catch him again, cut off his arms and throw him back in the crowd.
Jesus yells a third time, "John, John, you must come quickly, time is short, hurry!"
So John with his tremendous faith, using his chin alone, approaches the cross. The guards do not see him and he gets to the base, flips over and says, "Yes Lord."
Jesus says, "I can see your house from up here!!!"
One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope and said, "Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the Popes. The first question I have of you is do you think that Priests will ever be able to get married?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time." God said, "Okay, the next question is: Do you think there should be women priests?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
God said, "Okay, my last question is: Do you think the Roman Catholic church should approve birth control?"
The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
God said, "Okay, thank you very much for your time." and he turned and started to leave when the Pope said, "Lord, may I ask you one question?"
God turned to the Pope and said, "Sure, you answered mine, what would you like to know?"
The Pope said, "As you know I am very patriotic and I was wondering if there would ever be another Polish pope?"
God answered "Ah, no, not in my life time."
There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where.
The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin."
The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week."
The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours."
The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."
There where two novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bicycle when they hit a bump. The two novices giggled.
The mother superior just gave them a dirty look.
They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again.
The mother superior gave them another dirty look.
They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and the mother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!"
Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her.
She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back on Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."
The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water."
The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak...
Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said. "Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy ****ed a penguin! Grumpy ****ed a penguin! Grumpy ****ed a penguin!"
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" and a voice answers, "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Hello, Sexy! Can I sell you a window blind?"
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".
So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this ****ing place already!"
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot, and discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"
Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?"
2nd nun : "An apple."
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says 'SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION: 10 MILES.' He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says 'SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION: 5 MILES' and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying 'SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION: NEXT RIGHT', his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." replies the nun.
She leads him through many winding passages and he is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign that reads, 'GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.'
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide in horror and she barks: "What did you just say??"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant."
A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accommodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children".
The nun replies: "That's okay. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party".
This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and rapes her.
Then the man says, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice...unless you're tired."
Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: None.
Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups? A: Tell her she's pregnant!
Q: What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
Q: What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.
Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A: A roaming catholic.
Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation? A: A tran-sister.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head!
Two nuns in a bath. The first one says, "Where's the soap." The second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it." (Think about it!)
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before." The second one replies, "It must be the cobbles."
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.
There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation."
The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this way, she'll be ****tin a brick."
A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.
"Twenty bucks a trick!"
These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.
Once inside he displays his naivety by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?"
She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"
