Little Johnny vicevi (na ENG)

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny vicevi (na ENG)

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"

Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he think she's found her sponge "Oh really," his mum asks Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it"

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mummy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" the child asks. "That, son, is the elephant's penis." replied his father. "Mummy said it was nothing," the child then said. "Your mother's spoilt, Son."

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two." ; "Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four." ; "Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Clara Jones taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she approached Ms. Jones and told her what happened. The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Jones exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some condoms. The chemist puts a pack of condoms on the counter. Johnny looks at the condoms and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goes into the back and brings out another pack. "Nah," says Johnny, "what else do you have?"

"Well," the chemist replies, "the only other kind that I have are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know what these will do to a woman?" Little Johnny says, "No... but they'll make a goat jump about two feet off of the ground!"

Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture frame while his mother made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying. "What's wrong?" His mother said. "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" Said Johnny. "Well..." Johnny's mother started. "...That's nothing to cry about, daddy will be alright. Its actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't laugh when it happened."

"I did!" Johnny said. "I did!"

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

Little Johnny's mother took her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's REALLY FAT." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is that wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Little Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE'S BACKING UP!!!!"

Little Johnny applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "No, this is my first job," said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman. "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth??" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars." said Little Johnny. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said Little Johnny, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No." answered Little Johnny, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's screwed - you might as well go fishing.' "

Little Johnny asked his Dad, "Why does a woman close her eyes during sex?"

"She hates to see a man having a good time."

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny overheard his mom and dad talk about his older sister, "How can we make her stop biting her nails?" Little Johnny yelled, "Make her wear shoes!"

Little Johnny and his older sister were sitting at the breakfast table and Little Johnny was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Now here is a great sale on tires!"

"What do you want tires for?" his sister said, "You don't have a car." Little Johnny replied, "Hey, I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her body. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her right thigh. When the job was completed, the artist gave her a mirror to inspect his work. She exclaimed that neither of the images looked like what they were supposed to be. The artist said let's get another opinion. He went out to the street, saw Little Johnny and asked him to come in and assist with a little problem. There sat the woman, with her legs apart, and the artist asked Little Johnny what he saw. He replied, "Well..... that looks like Billy Joel on her left, and Paul McCartney on her right...... and that looks like Willie Nelson in the middle."

Little Johnny's Dad sees him sitting with his head down. He heads over to talk to him, "Hey Johnny, is something wrong?"

"Yeah,... I'm really depressed"

"Why, what's the matter?"

"I caught my girlfriend in bed with my best friend."

"Wow, that's terrible. What did you do?"

"I dragged her out of the bed and told her it's over."

"So what did you do with your best friend?"

"I sat him down...tied him up...looked him straight in the eye...and said...Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. Little Johnny then decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." Little Johnny replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then Little Johnny asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Little Johnny is playing in the street one day when this stranger pulls up in his car. The stranger says "Psssssst! Hey kid!"

"Yeah?" replies Johnny. And the stranger says, "Kid, I'll give a piece of candy to come in my car." Little Johnny replies, "Give me the whole damn bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30... and he's home by 3:45!"

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for catching speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign which said: "RADAR TRAP AHEAD" A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice... Little Johnny, about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet... full of change.

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.". The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and don't make a noise."

Little Johnny walked into his classroom one sunny morning, wearing only one glove. The teacher, a little confused, asked him what it was all about. Little Johnny explained, "Well ma'am, I was watching the weather program on the TV. this morning and the Weatherman said that it was going to be sunny today, but on the other hand it could get quite cold."

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't ****ing want one!" declared Johnny. The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't ****ing want one!" stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So? Don't ****ing give him one!" said Little Johnny's mother.

One day, Little Johnny wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (thud, thud, thud). He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please."

"Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."

Johnny reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly.

"Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes. Johnny starts to climb the stairs, (thud, thud, thud) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries.

"No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Johnny reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears.

"Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told. Johnny climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.

"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Johnny, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. So the two women sipped their tea happily while having lunch and chit-chatted. Afterwards, when her friend had left, Little Johnny's mother talked to him.. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" his mother asked.

"Ma, I couldn't find it, so I used the fly swatter." replied Johnny.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added, "Don't get excited, ma, I used the old one!"

Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching about the 4 basic food groups. Johnny asks "What food group does light bulbs fall into". His teacher replies, "Light bulbs are not edible and they don't fall into any food group". Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his Dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He said "I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my Dad tell my Mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!"In a biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?" Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go ahead, Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents.

Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it."

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny's browsing at a Victoria's Secret store when a saleslady asks him if he needs any help. Little Johnny replies, "Do these come in children's' sizes?"

Little Johnny comes home with two black eyes one day and his Dad asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said Little Johnny. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my girlfriend when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was her golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?"

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to her, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "

Little Johnny starts necking with a pretty girl and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "No." He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, " you know how people shake up a Coke bottle and spray it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back, and he starts writhing and screaming in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later, Little Johnny was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: Little Johnny was the ugliest, most pathetic baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up: Little Johnny and a slightly older gorgeous blonde. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies Little Johnny, "just get that lion out of the way."

Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why do men die before their wives?" "They want to."

Little Johnny takes a seat next to a pretty girl at a school dance. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment and says, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued girl says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The girl giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" Little Johnny explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Bill's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend Little Johnny comes running out of the clubhouse, "Bill, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . ."

A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. The kid is saying to himself, "I hate these damn ants...I hate these damn ants." The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk. "Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will let you continue killing the ants."

The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless.

Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a penis on a priest, the second is boobs on a nun, and the third are these damn ants!"

Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

This couple was worried about the size of their young son's penis, so they consulted a doctor. The doctor told them that the only thing he knew that would correct this problem would be for them to feed Little Johnny wheat toast for breakfast. The next morning Johnny came to the breakfast table where he saw a plate on the table with a huge stack of wheat toast on it. He asked his mother what the big stack was for. She replied, "The top two slices are for you, and the rest is for Dad. "

Little Johnny asks his dad," What's the best thing about a blowjob?"

"The five minutes of silence."

Little Johnny was looking all over trying to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?" The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who lived in the deep South. It was getting near junior prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approached her brother and said, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" Little Johnny said, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!" Johnny exclaimed. "Well, are you taking somebody else out?" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Little Johnny nodded. She continued, "So we should go with each other."

Little Johnny can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he told his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he would take her to the prom. Wednesday evening rolled around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so Little Johnny told his sister that he'd take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. Little Johnny is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he was standing at the punch bowl, his sister came up to him, "Hey, bro, let's dance." He looked around to make sure that nobody heard her, "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Ray is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they danced a slow number.

The rest of the prom passed and it was time to go. Both of them have had a good time. In the car, with Little Johnny at the wheel, his sister looked over at him and said, "I don't want to go straight home." He gave her a curious look and said, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around." He agreed, and after they had driven around a while, out in the country, she looked over at him again and said, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he said, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

" Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us; how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talked Little Johnny into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looked over at him again. "Hey . . . " she said. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!"

And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said Little Johnny, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I can't do that with you, you're my... " His voice trailed off. While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said Little Johnny. "Mom told me."

Little Johnny's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young lady looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me dinner..."

Little Johnny goes on his first date. "How did it go?" his mom asked. "Great. I gave her an Australian kiss goodnight."

"What's an Australian kiss?"

"It's like a French kiss, but down under."

A researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with a small boy running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions, and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough Ponds. When she said she didn't, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline, and she certainly must know of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was, "Yes." He then asked how she used it, she said, "To assist during sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product, and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most of them use it for sex. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep Little Johnny out."

Little Johnny is trying to pick up a girl, but nothing seems to be working. She finally tells him that she wants to go home. Little Johnny then tells her that if she will go home with him, he has a frog that is trained to eat pussy. Intrigued by this prospect, she agrees to go home with Little Johnny. When they are at his house, he tells her to get undressed and to lie on the bed while he gets his frog. He brings the frog into the bedroom and puts it between her legs but the frog doesn't do anything. Finally Little Johnny grabs the frog and holds it up to his face and says to the frog, "Look! I'm only going to show you one more time.

Little Johnny' s out riding his bike one day when he spies a little road-side cafe and decides to stop there for lunch. A really good-looking waitress comes over to take his order, and he just can't keep his eyes off her. "What'll it be, honey?" she asks as she bends over to take his order, practically shoving her large breasts in his face. Little Johnny can stand it no longer. "Well to be honest with you," he replied, "I'd love a little pussy."

"So would I!" the waitress exclaims. "Mine's really huge!!"

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty blonde receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," Little Johnny stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

Three boys are discussing women. "I like to look at a woman's breasts the most," the first boy says. The second says, "I like to look at a woman's butt." He asks Little Johnny, "What about you?"

"Me? I really enjoy seeing the top of her head."

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat underneath his desk. She said, "Why do you have your cat at school?" The little boy started crying, "When I woke up this morning I heard the mailman tell my Mommy, 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!' "

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Little Johnny had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of his left foot. His girlfriend called her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobbed, "my boyfriend has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's all right dear, your father has only six inches."

One day Little Johnny was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate "Whatcha doin?" he asks. Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your ****ing cat!"

Little Johnny's in a checkout line standing right behind a man who's purchasing toilet paper, soap, a toothbrush, a TV dinner, a can of soda and a bag of chips. Little Johnny asks the man, "Are you single?"

"Yeah," the man replied in a real sarcastic tone, "how did you ever guess?" Little Johnny said, "Because you're ugly!"

Little Johnny's Mom takes him to the doctor for an appointment. As she's checking in, the doctor says to her, "I'll need a urine sample." Little Johnny pipes up, "What does he want?" His Mom replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here."

Little Johnny gets a clerk's job at a department store. Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," Little Johnny smirked. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Little Johnny hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa Fester will pay the bill," she smiled.

Little Johnny's friend stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his golf partner nuts. Finally an exasperated Little Johnny says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the ball!!!" The other boy answers, "My mom is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." Little Johnny ponders this for a moment and then replies, "Forget it dude, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

A woman and her husband have a bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care. She's busy doing her thing around the house, when around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and there is a young delivery boy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses... the expensive ones... from her husband. She says to Johnny the delivery boy, "Oh, SHIT!" Little Johnny replies, "What's the matter, lady? Don't you like roses?" She replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?" He says, "No, what does this mean?" She answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air." Little Johnny replies, "Geez, lady, don't you have a vase?"

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this guy she brought home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked. "That little bastard Johnny called me a slut!" Mary said. "And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked. Mary said, "I told him to get the **** out of my bedroom and take his five friends with him!"

Little Johnny's at a bus stop and overhears two of his neighbors talking, "What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed with another man?" Little Johnny interrupts with, "Make sure his seeing eye dog hasn't **** on the bedroom floor!"

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word "indefinitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class, but the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim. Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?" Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely." The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks... maybe he really does know the answer, so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap against her buns, I knew that I was in definitely!"

Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why do women have periods?"

"Because they deserve them."

Little Johnny sneaks up behind a girl. "BOO!" yells Little Johnny. "Hey!" exclaims the girl, "you scared me half out of my pants!" Little Johnny responds, "BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO! BOO!"

Ten year old Little Johnny was walking home with a girl in his class when he said, "Pammy, you're the first girl I have ever loved." Pammy responded, "Great, that's all I need - another beginner."

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then Little Johnny, sitting behind the little girl, gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied Little Johnny. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the teacher called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Fifteen minutes later, the last student came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the teacher. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Little Johnny said again. "No, and I don't care." replied the teacher with an air of superiority. "Good," replied Little Johnny, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Little Johnny goes into O'Shanley's Bar and Grille, sees that all the tables are full, sits at the bar and orders a cheeseburger. While he's waiting for the burger, he says to the bartender, "Have I got some great Irish jokes for you!" The bartender leans over to him and says, "Listen, if I were you, I'd watch what I say. The bouncer is Irish, I'm Irish, in fact, almost everyone in this bar is Irish."

"Oh, that's okay," says Little Johnny, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-o-w-l-y."

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Little Johnny's sitting on his bed and says to his girlfriend standing in the doorway, "My little boopey-boo - I'm so lonely." So she crosses the room over to Little Johnny. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls flat on her face. Little Johnny, with a concerned look on his face, says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" She gets up, gets into Little Johnny's bed and the two have passionate sex. Afterwards the girl rolls out and crosses the room over to the bathroom. On the way she catches her foot on the carpet and once again falls flat on her face. Little Johnny mutters under his breath, "Clumsy bitch."

There was this young girl that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said, "Grandmother, I didn't let Little Johnny disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Little Johnny and Susie were playing doctor on the back porch when Susie's mom popped in on them. "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home," she said. Susie replied, "Johnny's been doing that all afternoon."

Little Johnny is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him," Blowjob, five dollars." He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. So the first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is "Mom, what's a blowjob?" His mom replies, "Five dollars, just like downtown!"

It was near Christmas and Little Johnny, the neighborhood paperboy, received Christmas cards (with extra big tips enclosed) from the first three houses on his route.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a big breakfast - eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was completely satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," Little Johnny said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I asked my husband what to give you since it's Christmas time. He said, 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' " The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Once there was a woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen, even though the garden of the little boy next door had beautiful, bright red tomatoes. Admiring her neighbor's garden, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," Little Johnny explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."

"I don't think if I did that, it would help my tomatoes grow," the indignant woman sniffed. "Maybe not," Little Johnny replied excitedly... "But it would help my cucumbers!"

"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I know I'm lucky to have such a beautiful girlfriend, but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well."

"I feel I should warn you, Little Johnny," she simpered, "that I expect my mom and dad home in an hour."

"But I'm not doing anything," he protested. "I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."

Little Johnny and a woman are riding up in an elevator. Little Johnny looks at the woman and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" She replies, "Hell no!" Little Johnny says, "Well, it must be your feet then."

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor, Little Johnny, was called as a witness. The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"

"No sir," answered Little Johnny. "Did you ever get any from his wife?"

"No sir."

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"

"Uh - excuse me sir," Little Johnny said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?"

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, if I stood on my head the blood would run down into it."

"Yes sir," the kids replied. "Then why is it that when I'm standing upright in the usual position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" Little Johnny shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty!"

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

One day Little Johnny's dad returned home from a plane trip just as a very severe thunderstorm hit. As he went into his bedroom about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with his wife, apparently scared by the loud storm, so he went to sleep in the guest bedroom. The next day he told the kids that it was okay to sleep with mom during a bad storm, but please don't sleep with her on the night he's expected home. After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the kids picked him up in the terminal at the scheduled arriving time, but the plane was late and the terminal's waiting area was packed. When Little Johnny's dad entered the waiting area, Little Johnny ran towards him while shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As he waved back, he said loudly, "What's the good news?" Little Johnny then shouted back so loud that the whole waiting area heard him, "Nobody slept with mommy while you were away this time!"

Little Johnny and his girlfriend were playing golf together when his girlfriend was badly stung by a bee. Little Johnny quickly ran back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor. "Come quick!" he said. "my girlfriend's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor. "Between the first and second holes," shouted Little Johnny. "Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

Little Johnny is down at a popular secluded beach, the south end of which permits nude bathing. After much wandering around with wide-eyed wonder, Little Johnny approaches his father and says, "Dad, why do some men have little cocks, and other men have big cocks?" Taken aback, but quick with an answer, the well endowed father replies, "Well son, it's like this. All the men with big cocks are really smart, and all of the men with small cocks are dumb bastards!" Little Johnny nods, and pauses to digest this new information. Dad says, "Where's your mom?" Little Johnny replies, "She's down behind the bushes with some dumb guys, but they're getting smarter by the minute!"

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got on he said to the ticket man, "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor- I have to get off this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and I know I'll fall asleep. So what I want you to do is wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it's very important for me. Here's 100 francs for this favor. But I must warn you that sometimes when people wake me up I get violently angry, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me off this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later the man fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at him, "Are you FUCKING STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't!! I want my money back you BASTARD!" While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, Little Johnny and his mom were watching them and Little Johnny says to her, "Boy, that guy is really pissed off!"

"Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get off the train in Mannheim!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table she turned to her six-year old son and asked, "Would you like to say grace?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," Little Johnny replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. Little Johnny bowed his head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people over to dinner!"

Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why is Santa always so jolly?"

"Because he knows where all the naughty girls live."

Little Johnny and a friend were talking about their parents, "My Dad is with the Police!"

"So is MY Dad - they picked him up this morning!"

"Does your family pray at home?" the religion teacher asked Little Johnny. "Oh yes!" Little Johnny replied. "Every night my mom screams, 'Oh God, don't stop, DON'T STOP !!' "

One day Little Johnny had to use the restroom really, really bad, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, in his haste he went into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman coming out of a stall. "This is for ladies!" she screams. Little Johnny waves his dick at her and says, "So is this!!"

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...' "

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

An attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"

"I believe ya," Little Johnny said as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" Little Johnny asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier, Little Johnny, was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" Little Johnny turns, stares at her for a second, looks her up and down, smiles and says, "Not bad."

Little Johnny and his Dad are having a father/son talk one night, "So, have you had sex yet?"

"Not according to Bill Clinton!"

Little Johnny is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" The bum replies, "Well, I am." Little Johnny, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into a tavern down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again!?"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." Little Johnny walks up to him and says, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the young boy is being silly and that an answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, Little Johnny walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life!!"

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

These two boys were approaching the first tee. Little Johnny goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" Little Johnny replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" Little Johnny replies, "I found it."

"Little Johnny really brightens our household, " his mom told a neighbor... "He never turns off any lights!"

A teacher has to use the restroom real bad so he goes into the student's restroom. Little Johnny follows him in, pulls out a Snickers candy bar from his lunch bag and takes the stall next to him. Then he squishes the Snickers bar in his hand, reaches under the stall wall and says, "You got any more toilet paper over there? This side's completely out."

Little Johnny had a knack for catching fish. Every weekend Little Johnny went fishing and returned with dozens of fish. No one knew how he did it. When other fisherman were unable to land more than three or four, Little Johnny always came back with stringer after stringer of freshly caught fish. Curious, the fish and game warden decided to investigate. He followed Little Johnny out to the lake, and when he launched his boat at the dock, the warden asked if he could ride along and observe. "Sure," said Little Johnny. "Hop in."

Little Johnny started up his outboard motor. When they arrived at an obscure reach of the lake, Little Johnny stopped the boat. The warden sat back and watched. Reaching into a box, Little Johnny pulled out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and tossed it into the water. After the explosion dead fish soon started rising to the surface. Little Johnny took out a net and started scooping them up.

"Wait a minute!" said the warden. "What do you think you're doing? You can't do that! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You'll be paying every fine in the book! You'll never fish again!" Little Johnny calmly put down his net, picked up a second stick of dynamite, lit it, and tossed it in the warden's lap. "So are you gonna sit there criticizing me all day," he asked the panicked warden, "or are you gonna fish?"

A husband and wife were getting a divorce and they were told to take their child to the judge so he could decide who would get custody. After reaching the judges office the judge looked at Little Johnny and said, "I'm going to let your mother take care of you." Little Johnny replied, "I don't want to live with my mother, she beats me." The judge paused for a second and then said, "Okay then, I guess you can live with your father." Little Johnny immediately responded, "But I don't want to go with him either, he beats me too!" After thinking about this a second, the judge asked, "Well then, where do you want to go?" Little Johnny said, "I want to go with the Red Sox, they never beat anybody!"

DBZ_freak · 2nd in command

Johnny and his class mates had all been asked to bring something to school to show the class that would explain what their father did for a living. Everybody was impressed by Johnny's oxy-acetylene torch and face mask. After school Johnny waited outside the gates for his mother to collected him. A stranger approached.

"Hello" said the stranger, "You look like a nice boy, I'm supposed to take you home"

"OK" says Johnny and happily trots off with the strange fellow. Along the way the stranger asks "Have you ever heard the word penis?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"Have you ever heard the word masturbation?"

"No" replies Johnny.

"How about sodomy?"

"Look mister," says Johnny "I'm not a real welder"

The visiting church school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows Little Johnny, as well as his whole family, very well and can vouch for him. If Little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth. Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall."

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face." Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Little Johnny's mother asked him, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," he replied. "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" she questioned. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really ****, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased. In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"